January 31, 2021 / Leave a Comment
Was he ever happy with his life?
I believe he goes through very brief periods of what he perceives to be ‘happiness’ (e.g., financial support, new county, new house, new supply, etc.) but it’s a short-lived and ultimately hollow victory. However, during the romanticism phase…. he would think to himself. “Maybe, this will drive away my emptiness!” …. and during the Honeymoon phase, he devoted virtually all our awake time to earning attention which was our life blood/nourishment/be all and end all life fuel. My boyfriend had full control and I was powerless.
Shortly thereafter was the inevitable let down…. so, our relationship would end sooner rather later, it was just a matter of time. He never loved me because he didn’t know how. Knowing this was his greatest fear. Yet, he took the easiest road possible to satisfy his greedy needs, because for anything in the world, he must win the game, even he had to take some emotional risk. He was always in a hurry to let me to commit emotionally. At first he was amazing and I always paid full attention when he spoke, when he wrote, when he called me on the phone and wanted to understand the underlying nature of how things worked. I am a sympathetic, decent, and honest person by nature and put a weight on the importance of integrity. I wanted to love him, but I was not sure if it felt more like infatuation. For a weird reason, I felt both happy, and exhausted in my strange relationship with him.
He was like an addict, and always needed his next fix without a backward glance. Boredom was life-threatening and he could fade into nothingness as were he missing out something. I was only a project he wanted to change. He was never satisfied with what he had or what I could give him, so often I was not good enough for him. It was always a brief pleasure for him until he needed more. Nothing – and no one – was ever good enough for him. I also knew he was incapable of being alone. Yet he resented me due to his feeling dependent on me. Next, he believed I was a fraud, not him! In his opinion, I was often worthless, next I was his entire life. Then I was unlovable, and when he needed something from me I was the most loveable person he knew. But on the other hand he needed to always have a significant other in his life to have a feeling of stability. So, he allowed me to be in his life if he could benefit from me.
Happiness is an inside job as they say, but he was a hollow shell and always wanted to shake things up. He constantly was reinventing himself for me or every new audience we met on our path. He was a shapeshifter, admiring me, next, resenting me and he was extremely jealous at me. It caused chaos, drama, trauma, and paranoia, believing everyone was conspiring against him and talking about him in a disparaging way.
So how could he possibly feel good when he relied solely on external sources of esteem? “You steal from me.” Or “Why do you laugh at me?” or “It’s you who have bad intention with me!” he would say. Or suddenly it was me who was cheating or were dishonest, according to him. “You are a child in an adults’ body, not acting your age.”
Was he only wearing a mask and pretended to love me? Without his perfect and charming mask, he would for sure drive people and me away. On some abstract instinctive level, I was aware something was wrong, but I didn’t or rather I couldn’t see the many red flags.
How can anyone be happy destroying people’s lives? My life? My family’s life? Others life? The pain was so extreme…so deep…. it took my breath way, being on the edge of taking my life.
If that’s happiness, then I’m missing something.